Online Sexual Fantasies and “Long Distance Cheating.”
A few days ago I had a long online chat with a woman I have known only via the Internet for about two years. During that time we only communicated by messages and by making sometimes flirtatious comments on our web pages. We wrote a lot about our families, what was going on in our lives. We got to know each other pretty well — the good and the bad. We became real friends — to whatever degree the term “real” can apply to an online relationship.
During the past few months, however, the communications have become more sexual in nature. She started sending me pictures of herself in various seductive poses; I would talk about some of my recent and not-so-recent sexual encounters — names changed to protect the guilty, of course!
For weeks she had been trying to get me to call her, which I was reluctant to do. Eventually, though, we ended up in a long online chat, a first for us. It quickly turned into a sexual ritual, that special erotic dance men and women do before they get down to the serious stuff. As the flirtatious dance got more serious, she hit me with a question I wasn’t expecting and which I answered with all the sensitivity of a 10-year-old.
She asked me if I ever had sexual fantasies about her. I told her, “No,” I hadn’t.
OK. Big mistake, I should have been a gentleman and lied and said “sometimes” or even an evasive, “Well, who wouldn’t, you sexy thing!” Instead, I just blurted out the truth. “No.”
In addition to just being stupid, there were two other reasons for my klutzy response. First, she is a married woman with several kids, into her second marriage now and I am single, and second we live well over a thousand miles apart. However things might evolve, the likelihood of our relationship becoming more than just an Internet sex fantasy seemed remote.
For myself, my marital status — single — means that I can still have guilt-free, real relationships with available single women. Not that I do that often, but that’s the theory anyway. Even online sexual flirtations with other single women have a different dimension. No one is cheating on anyone else. Done right, no one should come out of an online affair hurting anyone else.
In her case, her fantasy of me is not real, she is not available, and it has the potential of damaging her marriage. I can hear the Greek Chorus out there saying, “What business is it of yours, Sky? If the woman wants to have long distance fantasies, that’s her choice. Just go with the flow and have some fun!”
From what she has told me, her husband — who travels a lot — has no idea that she is online looking for sexual encounters with strangers like me. I guess the question, to put it in its crudest form, is whether there’s something wrong if she gets her sexual release with strange men like me and her husband doesn’t know about it? Unless she decides to tell her husband, I am part of a deception that could possible destroy her marriage. I know enough about her to understand that the foundation of her relationship with Hubby is not all that strong to begin with — otherwise, why flirt with me? Getting caught in an online affair could possibly have dire consequences for her and her children. Do I want to be responsible for that?
I think the topic raises two important issues: the issue of honesty with your partner, and the openness with which partners can discuss their sexual fantasies.
Should you tell your partner that you have these kinds of fantasies and online relationships?
My reaction is, “No.” Most people simply are not secure enough in themselves and in their relationships to hear about their partner participating some kind of cyber-fuck with other people. If you say you are having sexual fantasies about another man, most men are going to get very pissed about it. We don’t like having competition we can’t punch out in a face-to-face confrontation.
If the roles were reversed and a guy tells his partner that he’s got this hot, online chick that can really turn him on, most women are not likely to welcome the news. Most will be jealous as hell and insist on knowing all the sordid details. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn’t rip out your Internet cable connection and smash your lovely LCD computer screen.
All these new ways of “getting it on” do not change human nature.
Consider, also, the likelihood that your online fantasy lover will find his or her way into the family bed. So there you are trying to make love to your lifetime partner and in the back of your mind is some delicious-looking lady you have been chatting with online. What then? Do you tell your partner?
A Web MD article recently looked at the pros and cons of admitting these fantasies:
One good reason to remain mum, says Barbara Bartlik, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University, is that the majority of people in long-term, fulfilling sexual relationships do not necessarily think about their partner when they’re at the height of sexual passion. But even though both partners might routinely think of something other than each other, revealing this may result in hurt feelings.
That’s putting it lightly. An additional problem with online fantasies is that they are not just fantasies — often they involve each partner masturbating while the phone call or chat proceeds to more erotic subjects. The basic rule of ethical behavior is that you can think what you want, but once your thoughts are turned into action, then an important ethical and moral line has been crossed. Assuming one of us is already in a relationship, do I actually have to be in your bed, making love to you, before our act can be considered “cheating”?
The other side of this argument might be — and perhaps in the case of my friend — that by having these online sexual trysts she is in fact saving her marriage. She is less likely to have a “real” affair with some Bozo in the house or condo next door. On the “cheating scale,” I guess that is true: long-distance, online affairs are neater, easier to hide, usually easier to end, and — like so much of our imaginary cyber-lives – it doesn’t seem completely real.
So, when Hubby or the Mrs. wants to know if we’ve been true, we can answer with a straight face, “Honey, the only one really in my life is you!”
Couple’s Guide to a Passionate Marriage.
A passionate marriage is not simply a cure for sexual desires or sexual dysfunctions but it is instrumental for a life-long sexual development.
They say people get better in bed as they get older. In general, people who are into 40s, 50s, and 60s can reach their sexual potential. This fact will show how your relationship with yourself controls intimate relation and sexual desire for your partner. According to sex researchers, married couples have more sex, more varied sex and more emotionally and physically satisfying sex than singles.
When sex works well in marriage, it can add a great deal to a couples’ happiness. Sex can lead to as much as 15% to 20% increase in marital satisfaction. And when a passionate marriage clicks well, it clicks extremely well. However, when sex doesn’t click well, it’s dreadful. When sex doesn’t work, it can subtract 50% to 70% of marital satisfaction.
Here are some tips for maintaining a passionate marriage:
1. Never blend fantasy to create a passionate marriage.
2. Continue your separate interests to prolong a passionate marriage.
3. Freshness is the means to a passionate marriage.
4. Boost your self-esteem by making something out of yourself.
5. Keep eye contact with each other out of bed.
6. Give each other a hug to relax.
If your marriage is similar to that of others, and you are scared, angry, vindictive, or have a lazy side which restricts the quality of a sexual relationship, there will be a lot of things at stake in trying to make or keep a passionate marriage alive. If you are less passionate or sex is less exciting than on your first mating, it doesn’t mean that your marriage is in trouble. However, it is the cause of lack of intimacy and passion in a relationship.
In addition, passionate marriage needs each person to confront the fear of defining him or herself while drawing closer to his/her partner. This process is known to be differentiation, and it involves changing the way you think about marriage. Marriage is not only a union of two persons but it is a process of learning new things about you. In this way, you will know that you are distinct from your partner and will draw you nearer to him/her.
Sexual encounters will provide you a perfect chance to differentiate and develop the strength to love deeply. A combination of humor and compassion will help you to have personal, marital and sexual fulfillment. Every sexual experience, from kissing to bold erotic conduct, is a realistic image of the way your partner and you feel about each other and yourselves outside the bedroom.
Well, rather than rushing into activities together so as to fashion or rejuvenate a passionate marriage, it’s best to begin with the personal ardor that made you appealing and fascinating to your partner in the first place. Go out with your buddies to a museum — and bring back to the marriage a fresh sense of excitement and passion.
Passionate marriage is beyond treating sexual dysfunction to achieve sexual potential but it could help you to extract the best in you, to build an energizing adult sexuality.
About the Author
For more information on Passionate Marriages please visit our website.
Married Couples and Joint Checking Accounts – Yes or No?
One of our favorite money blogs weighs in with an opinion. Read this and visit their blog.
My opinion: men and women will argue about money no matter what you do. Even if you give her ALL your money, you will still argue about money — it won’t be enough, you’re hiding some somewhere. So take this advice for what it’s worth. . . .
Whether you are newly married or you’ve been married for 20 years, the debate over joint versus separate bank accounts is a hot topic among married couples. Some couples swear by separate bank accounts, and other couples think joint accounts are the only way to go. I’ll give you my opinion over the debate, the best checking accounts for married couples, and a strategy for making the joint checking account work.
Joint vs. Separate Accounts
I have a strong opinion about this debate. I think that all married couples, new and old, should hold joint checking and savings accounts. I understand the argument for separate accounts, but when you said “I do” at the altar, you made a commitment to become one cohesive unit. You are a team, and you need to act like one. When you choose not to share your finances, you are choosing not to share one of the most important aspects of your lives. You can give me all of the excuses about how it works better with separate accounts, and it’s too confusing to share money. The reality is that you don’t trust each other, and you won’t put the time into sharing your money. Don’t settle for the compromise of spending whatever you make. Your marriage is not a business partnership, and if you weren’t ready to give up control of your money, then you weren’t ready to get married.
Responses To Advocates Of Separate Bank Accounts
“She/He spends too much money, and he/she won’t listen to me when it comes to saving money” The answer to this problem is communication and/or marriage counseling, not separate bank accounts. If your spouse refuses to change their financial habits and they are reckless with money, then you don’t have a financial problem. You have a marriage problem. You need to find common ground as a married couple, and help each other rather than get mad at each other. If you can’t communicate and resolve the problem on your own, see a marriage counselor. There may be a bigger issue that one of you isn’t talking about.
“It’s too confusing to share money. I’m afraid that we’ll overdraft on our account.” This is the excuse of a lazy couple that doesn’t want to communicate and budget money together. The solution to this problem is getting on a budget, and planning how you will spend your money each month. Set aside two hours each month to go over your budget and finances for the month with your spouse.
“She/He brought more debt into the marriage. She/He should pay it off on his/her own.” I’ve actually heard people say this before, and it makes me cringe every time I hear it. When you get married, you are coming together become one person, one flesh. You work as a team, and you help each other no matter what. If your spouse is bringing in a bunch of debt to the marriage, it’s now your debt. I don’t care who’s name is on the debt. You have an obligation as a marriage partner to share that debt.
Strategies for Sharing Bank Accounts
Our Strategy: I married a girl who is more frugal than me. In fact, she makes fun of me for the gadget cravings that I get and my weakness for spending money when we go out at night on a date. I got lucky. I never worry about her going on a spending spree with our money. She follows our budget religiously. There was no question when we got married that we would share a checking and savings account. We have a Bank of America checking account for convenience, and we have an ING savings account for short-term savings. I have a 401k for retirement, and now that she’s working, we’re going to open up Roth IRA’s with Sharebuilder in the coming months. We’ve shared a checking account for three years, and it’s been a great decision. We sit down every two weeks to go over our finances and map out what we’re going to do with OUR money, even though I was the only income producer for the past three years.
Joint Checking Account with Two Separate Checking Accounts: If you simply can’t grasp the concept of having one joint checking account, then try this method. Keep a joint account that feeds all of your income into it, and pay all of your bills through this account. Keep a separate checking account for yourself and for your spouse. Divide up 5 to 10% of your income into the separate accounts. Make a pact that you can do whatever you want with that money and your spouse can’t question you about it (as long as its legal! haha). My wife and I do something similar with cash. We give each other a certain amount of money each month called “mad money”, but instead of putting it in separate accounts, we keep it as cash. I like having some cash on me at all times, because there are still situations in life where you can’t swipe a piece of plastic, and sometimes cash speaks louder than plastic.
Checking Accounts of Interest for Married Couples
I know that i made some bold statements in this article, but I will stand by them. It was not my intention to offend you, but I hope it gets you thinking about your current financial set-up with your spouse. I am sure there are people out there that have separate checking accounts with a healthy marriage, but it is the minority. Think of this is a challenge to get you to think differently, not an attack on your current opinions. You must be on the same page with your finances, and sharing every aspect of it is part of the foundation of a healthy marriage.
For more money tips for couples you can read about budgeting money for newlyweds, tips for finding an apartment after marriage, and a couples guide to buying an affordable house.
This article on joint bank accounts in marriage is part of the Marriage Money Guide.
